Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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