I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
