checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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