I skipped work to stalk him.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Randomize
