I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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