So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
