I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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