: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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