That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Randomize
