youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I just pynch a tree in the face
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Randomize
