I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
