I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
