I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
