DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
