had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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