don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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