Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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