In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
