After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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