he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
