Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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