chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
