I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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