Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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