i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
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I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
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Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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