Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
