Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
