Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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