everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
