Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
