there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
