You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
