You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
