so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You were trust falling into bushes
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
