DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
