Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
