Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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