he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
