Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
