Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
