You smell like a Billy Joel song
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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