Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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