Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
