you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
