i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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