false alarm. still invincible.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
