Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
