dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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