I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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