its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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