I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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