im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Randomize
