Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
