Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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