it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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