She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
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I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
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You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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