cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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