So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
